Strength

To quote lyrics from Lauren Daigle's "You Say".....is something I can totally relate to.  If a song ever hit the nail on the head as the expression goes, this would be it for me:  "YOU say I am loved when I can't feel a thing  YOU say I am strong when I think I am weak  YOU say I am held when I am falling short  When I don't belong oh YOU say I am YOURS..."  Not only do I struggle with YOU, God, as I am re-accepting you back in my life, I struggle with those who surround me; who think I am such a strong person that I can take care of myself.  How you are able to help everyone who calls out your name as they  ask for your guiding hand, your love, your forgiveness, your sacrifice, your healing, your direction....and oh so much more... How you have the STRENGTH to handle it all and keep going is beyond my knowledge.  It is a daily struggle for me to stay strong for the littlest things in life, let alone for those who rely on my strength. 

I find that I seem to do OK as long as I don't stop and "think" about those things that I am to be strong about.  There are days I don't want to be strong.  I want to do the opposite, and be weak and rely on someone else to help me get through; to help give me the answer or the power of suggestion to tackle the issue at hand.  I want to feel the human touch of a hug daily, or laughter between two people, hold the hand of those that really want to be with me....even CRY and not be judged that I am crying, because I have no reason.

When I felt strong, was when my children were smaller, and they relied on me to have answers for all their questions and curiosity.  When they needed my help to tackle a project, or teach them how to cook, I felt strong. Or wanted me to make them a fancy prom dress, or take them places. When my mother in law would confide in me and needed my help with things she was struggling to take care of.  My father in law, who fell sick and needed outside help that his wife could not do, that is when I saw my strength. I stayed strong for my sister, who battled many illnesses, one that she succumbed to, and went home to YOU while I watched. I was strong when my own mother fell to cancer, and I helped take care of her.  I believe that is when I truly realized just how much strength a person can have.  It made me think back to when I was a child, and how the roles were reversed.... I remember my mom asking why I came to visit and stay the weekend... I told her because not only did I love her and care what was happening to her, but it was now my turn to give back those years to her that she gave me, that helped guide me into the person I became.

Discovering who I really am is a chore.  I know that I am the only one who can do this, and I am sure it shouldn't be that hard.  But it has always been something I struggle with.  I'm not sure why.  I've been in therapy, I have changed my ways, yet I still feel weak.  I feel alone.  I feel unwanted.  Yet, I feel that I am a likeable, loveable woman. In which case, to me it comes down to strength...I don't feel strong.  Could it be, that now my kids are grown with families of their own, I am feeling like I am not needed anymore?  Everyone I ever helped has either passed, or moved on with their lives.  I have just grown older, and lonely.  

Maybe that is how it's suppose to be.  I was strong enough to get those who passed to a better place, a more peaceful place.  I was strong enough to help my kids make right choices and move forward in life and be strong for their families.  I was strong enough for myself to walk away from being in an unhappy marriage.  Maybe now is the time to not be so strong.  Now, must be the time to relax and take the rest of my life with ease.  Let those I have passed my strength on to, be there for me when it is my turn,  Not that I am ready, as I still have much to do; but if my time is short, I want you to know this;  again, quoting lyrics from Lauren Daigle's "You Say"...

"The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me  In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity..."