Strength

To quote lyrics from Lauren Daigle's "You Say".....is something I can totally relate to.  If a song ever hit the nail on the head as the expression goes, this would be it for me:  "YOU say I am loved when I can't feel a thing  YOU say I am strong when I think I am weak  YOU say I am held when I am falling short  When I don't belong oh YOU say I am YOURS..."  Not only do I struggle with YOU, God, as I am re-accepting you back in my life, I struggle with those who surround me; who think I am such a strong person that I can take care of myself.  How you are able to help everyone who calls out your name as they  ask for your guiding hand, your love, your forgiveness, your sacrifice, your healing, your direction....and oh so much more... How you have the STRENGTH to handle it all and keep going is beyond my knowledge.  It is a daily struggle for me to stay strong for the littlest things in life, let alone for those who rely on my strength. 

I find that I seem to do OK as long as I don't stop and "think" about those things that I am to be strong about.  There are days I don't want to be strong.  I want to do the opposite, and be weak and rely on someone else to help me get through; to help give me the answer or the power of suggestion to tackle the issue at hand.  I want to feel the human touch of a hug daily, or laughter between two people, hold the hand of those that really want to be with me....even CRY and not be judged that I am crying, because I have no reason.

When I felt strong, was when my children were smaller, and they relied on me to have answers for all their questions and curiosity.  When they needed my help to tackle a project, or teach them how to cook, I felt strong. Or wanted me to make them a fancy prom dress, or take them places. When my mother in law would confide in me and needed my help with things she was struggling to take care of.  My father in law, who fell sick and needed outside help that his wife could not do, that is when I saw my strength. I stayed strong for my sister, who battled many illnesses, one that she succumbed to, and went home to YOU while I watched. I was strong when my own mother fell to cancer, and I helped take care of her.  I believe that is when I truly realized just how much strength a person can have.  It made me think back to when I was a child, and how the roles were reversed.... I remember my mom asking why I came to visit and stay the weekend... I told her because not only did I love her and care what was happening to her, but it was now my turn to give back those years to her that she gave me, that helped guide me into the person I became.

Discovering who I really am is a chore.  I know that I am the only one who can do this, and I am sure it shouldn't be that hard.  But it has always been something I struggle with.  I'm not sure why.  I've been in therapy, I have changed my ways, yet I still feel weak.  I feel alone.  I feel unwanted.  Yet, I feel that I am a likeable, loveable woman. In which case, to me it comes down to strength...I don't feel strong.  Could it be, that now my kids are grown with families of their own, I am feeling like I am not needed anymore?  Everyone I ever helped has either passed, or moved on with their lives.  I have just grown older, and lonely.  

Maybe that is how it's suppose to be.  I was strong enough to get those who passed to a better place, a more peaceful place.  I was strong enough to help my kids make right choices and move forward in life and be strong for their families.  I was strong enough for myself to walk away from being in an unhappy marriage.  Maybe now is the time to not be so strong.  Now, must be the time to relax and take the rest of my life with ease.  Let those I have passed my strength on to, be there for me when it is my turn,  Not that I am ready, as I still have much to do; but if my time is short, I want you to know this;  again, quoting lyrics from Lauren Daigle's "You Say"...

"The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me  In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity..."

How Far I Have Come

Hello again. As mentioned in my last "catch up" blog, it was brought to my attention that I started this blog page 10 years ago, and just ran across it, looking for a high school friend I was missing.  So, I felt it was time to play a little catch up, write down how things have been for the past 3 years.  Let's see; the BIGGEST thing for me, was I discontinued my Facebook page, as I decided it was a great waste of my time. So much controversy on everything and anything. Also, I didn't care for the latest "update" FB did, so that added to my decision making. Getting anxiety over what I read from people was not worth it, and boy, everyone has LOTS to say these past couple years.....

Each year, I am getting better since my divorce, I think, in my head and my heart.  I am no longer in therapy, although, I have given some thought about maybe trying it again for a couple visits....it's on the back burner.  So far, I am doing ok without having to go that extra mile.  My life seems good.  All my children are doing well. My twins (the oldest) keep busy with their families, and outside activities. Between the two of them, I am blessed with 5 grandchildren. This makes my heart happy, as we facetime and I get to chat with them; well when they want to talk to grandma over playing outside or doing other fun stuff.  Either way, it is a blessing just to be able to see them and see how much they have grown. I love my hands on visits when I can make that happen, too. Here, at home, my middle child is getting married in a few months, and taking not only a husband, but also his 2 children; so now I am up to SEVEN grandchildren.... lol.... this just adds more warmth to my heart knowing that the family they will make together will be just as great as they already are!!  My son; he is doing well too.  He just proposed to his girlfriend, and they jointly purchased their first home and are working on it together.  I can't believe how far they all have come, and how wonderful they have made their lives.  I truly am blessed to be a part, even if it's a little, of each of their lives.  Knowing I did something right, so long ago, and seeing it all come together as we all get older brings many smiles.

I have had some medical issues (don't we all) the biggest was my vocal cord needing to be cut so I could breathe...too long of a story to get into, but life is better since that was taken care of. I speak now in what they call a "whisper voice", so that has taken some getting used to.  3 years in, and I still miss the sound of my voice, laughter, singing....but hey, it's better on this side of the grass, if you know what I mean. Even though COVID has taken over, I am bowling.  Decided to give it a try.  It's a short season, and well, let's just say, once it's through, I will have to decide if I move forward with a new season.  Time will tell.....

I lost my best friend who I met bowling 40+ years ago. I lost my 14 year old kitty, Lacy, shortly after the fire outbreaks in 2020 but her sister Lucy is still with me. I lost my sister 2 years ago, so that was pretty hard on me.  I miss her!  My brother lost his wife, and a year later, found companionship with an old college friend.  They are together now, and seem happy. I am happy for him, that he has someone to do things with that he missed with my SIL.  I have reconnected with my SIL in California.  She was married to my oldest brother, who passed away in 1975. We always chatted before, but lately, we are in touch more often than not.  I lost my uncle, and reconnected once again with my half brother.  He sent me pictures of my dad that I never saw before. Along with a few stories I never heard. Also some information on a design my dad had about making a motorhome park. It may not get built in my lifetime, but the renderings have been given out to a few places, via my half brother, so time will tell. I have prepared my kids about it just in case one shows up....Wow, wouldn't that be something? 

Me, I am still working on Me.... I have a handful of friends that I totally trust, and enjoy their company.  I have an electric bike that I love riding, I do some hiking now an then, I still take my beach trips when I need grounding, and like I said, I am back bowling for a while.  I am still working, although not a full week, due to COVID.  I am also on a weight loss journey, and making good progress.  Looking out for myself in all healthy ways. 

How far have I come? Pretty damn far. It hasn't been at all an easy road the past 5 years, but it has been better than what I knew before. Baby steps, I am told often by a friend....baby steps.