I am told many times I should journal. There are countless times I have sat with journal in one hand and pen in the other and I draw a blank. I always wondered how someone, like ME, who wanted to be a writer, could draw so many blanks from my brain to paper. But put me behind the wheel of a car, or on a walk, and boy, do my thoughts take over. I am not out to hurt anyone with what I am about to write, but they are words that go from my train of thought to my hand to the pen and on to the paper.... the paper is the track with an infinity destination.....
Not what I signed up for when I said "I Do".
I fell out of love a very long time ago. I can't give you an exact date, but I can say that I kept trying to make the marriage work, but it just didn't happen. I say he is an alcoholic; he says he can quit anytime he wants. Where I (we) are today is from "his" calling by asking the most important question, I could never bring myself to ask..."Are We Through?" At that moment, my very first instinct and thought were: "Why play the game any longer. Here is your chance to finally step aside. Here it is, go for it, do what is right!" I chose to tell the truth, and I said, "Yes".....I no longer am in love you." Of course that brought all kinds of emotions, but the most important thing it brought was the first time in 34 years, a conversation. Between US.... we actually talked, without yelling and listened to each other and asked questions. But, the sad part for me, I was done. I could not stay any longer and take any more chances to see if things would change. It was time to move on and start fresh. Find out who I am... what Love really is and enjoy life.
Fifteen years (approx) before this, he got drunk and trashed our house.... broke just about everything in his path, because he accused me of having an affair. Upon coming to that accusation, he went through my personal garments drawer, and found a sealed envelope addressed to my dead mother's Angel. He opened that letter and read it. What I wrote, he misconstrued that I was having an affair. His reasoning for being in MY drawer.... he was looking for a part to a gun. I HATE GUNS and know nothing about them....At that time, my son sat on the couch after we cleaned up the mess, and asked if I was going to divorce dad. I said, "I don't know ---------, but I can no longer live this way. Things have got to change. He came back, only to do more trashing and more yelling. One thing led to another, and upon a second or third arrival, he wanted to talk. I told him, "Not in the house, you have done enough damage." So I put on a coat and ventured into the cold outside. We talked as we walked.
We walked through the neighborhood and talked and we reminded each other of different things. We discussed a lot, but we really didn't get anywhere... just a little more colder, as we rounded the corner of the house. He asked if he could come inside, and he spent the night in the basement. I don't remember if it was that night or a few nights later, but he asked if I did choose to divorce him, to not take him for all he had.....Sadly, he still didn't get it... it wasn't money I cared about, it was him.
Moving forward, yet backwards, to his question of "Are we through"..... he told me that night that he would leave after my FIRST knee surgery, then find a place to live and we could proceed forward with the divorce. I was grateful for all he had done up to this point and beyond. But, he never left...... I never once said he didn't provide for this family. My only complaint, this whole time, was his drinking, not talking to me and not caring for himself. To my kids: "If you think I am guilty, then say it to my face>I stayed in this marriage due to his drunk talk, that he would kill himself and we would all be better off without him. We could have his money....I never knew if he was serious or not, so I stayed as I didn't want to take the chance that you grew up without a father. Hmmm, look what it got me: 4 beautiful kids that I felt I gave my all to, because I wanted a relationship with you that I didn't have with my mom. I wanted to make a difference. Change the Rules - Be that mom or parent that the kids could come talk to about anything. Maybe I didn't do it right, IDK, but my intentions were always good. Maybe we should have all gone to therapy...again, IDK, it never crossed my mind, as I was so focused on wanting your dad to cut back on his drinking and come home sober, more so than not. I wanted us to be a family; I wanted to stop the yelling. Do you know that in therapy, I discovered I / we didn't yell in my growing up years. We always talked about our issues. Somewhere, in the time with your dad, we started yelling to get a point across or make sure we were heard. We BOTH are guilty at that, not just me.
I wish I saw then, what I have figured out now, all the hurt and pain it has caused you kids. I cannot take any of it back, but I can start over and work on being a better person. Which I am trying to do now. But it seems like every step I make forward and start feeling good, I am pushed back by hurtful words from your dad and silence from you kids. Come on, be supportive of both of us!! I have always said he is your father - love him - but damn it, don't crucify me or push me away because our marriage didn't work out. Don't tell me I should give it more time; I gave 37 years: Don't tell me he has changed-you have not read or seen the drunk messages he sends me or how he talks to me. Reason - it is not for you to see or be involved in, and I am sorry he chose to include you with his sorrow words. And please, please don't tell me I am the strong one... You have no idea of how many times I have laid in bed and cried, or cried driving to work and begging "this day will be different" or crying on my friends/family shoulders as to why can't he see what he is doing to this family. Oh so many times...
None of you were there that dreadful day when he came out of bathroom and held his fingers at the back of my head and told me this was a gun and he was going to blow my fucking head off!!! You did not see him waving his loaded gun around, screaming he was going to kill me... I better call 911, before he dropped the bullet cartridge out of it. It wasn't until later, that I found out a live bullet stays in the gun chambers when emptied... with that all said, THANK YOU BOBBY, for coming over that night and taking it away--NO ONE, Not even Cheryl Boddie, will know the fear I felt and went through that day...the ONE and ONLY time I ever was afraid of your father!!! It was enough for me to know that I had HAD ENOUGH!!!! I could no longer live this way, and seriously, how do you call this/that living? How do you call it love, when you do stuff like that? That is NOT LOVE and no one will ever change my mind about that.
Yes, I know he is sick-YOU all know he is sick, but will he get help? NO. He tried therapy but didn't stay in it. He won't even admit he has a drinking problem; But he will tell me how much he loves me -- WTH? I get that he is hurting inside from the loss of all his family. Hell, I hurt still, everyday, from the loss of my dad, brother and mom. But I am not going around sulking about it, and play on peoples emotions. I have learned to look at the positive of what I have, over the last few years. It is very hard for me to grasp 37 years later, that the "reason" he drank (you need a reason?) was because of all the deaths on the docks!?? This can be argued by several people I know over the years, and seriously, he never once told me about them, even at a later time, that "so and so died"... Come on.....Your aunt Jackie knew a lot of the same people that worked there... yeah maybe longshoremen were dying, but was it really job related? It was never on the news. And why would you have to get drunk? I am at home wondering if it's me, or I don't clean enough, look good enough, make the right meal choices, so much more: these are things I thought he was drinking about. I will never know.... communication is KEY, and we never had it.
IDK kids, I can live in the past and be miserable and play the role of wife / mother or I can live in the present, the NOW, and look forward to happier times in the future. I CHOOSE the present. I cannot change the past. It is what it is, and I feel I gave it my all in the way I knew how for each situation. Ask your Aunt Jackie, my friend Anita, Aunt Cori, Grandpa Mike....I only wish I was able to say, ASK your grandma Driggs. She knew of all this and the situation. I told her I was thinking of divorcing him and she supported me. Even she, his own mom, had no clue or explanation as to why he drank like he did. She understood what I was going through, though, and to know I had her support eased my pain. But it wasn't meant to be, and she passed before I could come to terms of the marriage. I was always trying....
You know, when my mom was sick, I was going to the coast to help take care of her and be with her and do what I could. Your dad should have been doing the same with his mom...he should have been up at the care center visiting her... the day she died, I find him in the tavern... one beer in hand and one sitting in front of him... at 10:00 am!!! :( I know that if he had gone to the care center instead of the tavern things would have still played the same, but my point is, where was he? Aunt Carol had to call me at work because she could not get a hold of him... IDK... I'm sorry, I said I can't change the past.
I don't know what you 4 kids want from me. I tried doing this the easiest way I knew how without causing him more pain than needed, but it backfired. Remember, HE ASKED ME if we were through; all I did was say, YES! For the first time in 37 years, we talked, but it was too late.
We agreed to wait to proceed with divorce until my knee surgery, but I never healed and things got worse. I had other medical issues; i was under stress from him, and to be honest from you kids too, once you found out. I felt like we all were now walking on egg shells. It appeared that you all reached to your dad and didn't come to me and ask questions. That first year at Thanksgiving....having that intervention with ME??? that blew me away. I knew something was up, and was hoping you would have done that with him. But after all that time we spent upstairs going over our life, all you did was come downstairs and go hug and kiss your dad and tell him you loved him, and you supported him...??? Seriously? Why didn't anyone ask him why he never got help? or Why did you always talk about killing yourself?
I am not sorry for my circle of friends. I love my bowling friends and hope they will always be there. It's like a second family to me. There are so many things I love to do: hiking, the beach, fishing, camping, bowling, being around people, occasional concerts, you kids and grand kids... wish i was closer to do more with them.. most importantly, I have learned to love my alone time. Those are things I choose to have in my last years .... those things make me happy, and I will enjoy doing them.
I have raised you all to where I am proud of each and everyone of you. You have great jobs that you chose wisely and are doing awesome. Some of you have your families now, and that is your main concern, your main priority. I will always be here to support you in anyway I can and be here if you need me. ALWAYS!!! I love you all unconditionally-- I am so proud of you, and my dream is that someday, you will forgive me for not wanting to be abused any more! Yes, ABUSED!! Took me a very long time, maybe too much time, to figure out and understand that too. I do not wish anything bad for your father, only good. I hope he has it in him now, to realize he is a good person, but he has to make the first move and help himself before anyone can help him. He is an adult and he can make his own choices. He chose alcohol over me ----- I chose life and Unity!
~jan/mom/friend
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