The Paper Trail of Thoughts

Today in my therapy, I read some thoughts that I wrote down on New Years Eve, 2011.  I ran across these papers by accident; in other words I was unaware I had them.  In reading them out loud to "Jacqueline", I couldn't believe how much of it came forward to prove to be true.  At some point in time we choose to move our life in a direction that works best for us, and unfortunately at times, it changes how we have already lived.  It is not done to hurt anyone, or cause pain to those on the outside as well.  It is just something that needs to be done, to make us feel better;  US as in who has made the change;  as in ME.  Yes I have made some changes in my life to become a better person, to be able to experience things that make me happy and to reject the things that kept me sad, depressed, and angry.  

Its funny how our minds play back the mini camcorder that is built in our brain.  Mine has gone back to my most earliest memories which are a few years before my whole family got sick with the Hong Kong flu.....we all got better but my dad.  He continued to get worse for several weeks after.  Long story short, after no help from the Dr. we had seen, he found out from an x ray at the hospital that he had cancer... Yep, the big "C" word.  Now grant you I was only a young girl, 11 at the time, so I had no idea how bad he was...I just knew he was sick.

4/11/2021- Well, 3 years later, and look what I found: my lost/forgotten blog page.  Decided to come active with it again.  That is my intentions.  We will see how it goes...

To finish the above thought, journal entry, sums up like this.  Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Not that it matters, but I believe his right lung was totally gone, and the cancer had progressed to the left. Once given the diagnosis, as a child it seemed like an eternity that he lived and suffered.  But relying on a letter I have that he wrote his sister, it was only a couple weeks that he lived after being told.  As an adult, reading that letter, and knowing what I know now, he was heart broken.  I am sure of it.  Yet, he stayed as "strong" as he could, for his family.  Boy, how I relate to that word - strong!  Eventually, he went home to God, and our lives moved forward; it is possible to move forward with your life.  It's just  not easy, and it our case, we had many bumps in the road ahead.